it was recommended to me to begin a diary --though online was not. as things have been rocky in my personal life recently, getting out the emotions may be good for me. or at least that's what people have been saying. talk to me, they say. don't bottle it in. you'll explode.

sigh

they probably are right because i have not been sleeping well. restless. sleepless. unable to confide in others. paranoid about people. that's me.

and why?

First, this is my first entry. i am not going to tell anyone i know about it... i know i would edit things i would normally say. However, i do feel like it will be good for me to feel as if i am talking to someone besides myself. i keep a written journal, i have for several years, but only two people have had access to it.

so why do this? it' a woman...it's always a woman. hm, maybe not. but for me it's always a woman. we can called her "panther" after her college mascot. and it fits since she's got sharp claws. we had been seeing each other for five years. she was part of the family. we were going to be married.

but that changed on night three months ago. with words like "controling" and "selfish."

so here i sit hoping that this deeply scary gushing of my life will somehow help me put the pieces together.