so after i was finished. with the email, sickos. : ) i started at it for a long time. wondering if i wanted to send it to her. i don't think this the kinda of thing that offends her. come on she sent me sex pics of her and her boy. but im in that paranoia mode i talked about.

so i saved. nope couldn't delete it. it was too raunchy to get rid of. and i began remembering that i had written some erotic/porn ss in colege, i went to my desktop and found a bunch. most were such crap. half sappy romace, and other have bad porn. but i did find one i was surprised by called Hot-Tub. so i started to re-read and edit it. i thankfully could picture c. in this story, though my friend occasionally popped into my head. and i had to argue with myself about re-writing for some girl-on-girl. but i don't know if she ever did. anyway, the threeway in the story was much better the way it was written. it must have been from sophmore year. the lead guy was mike. this drummer i knew. i always used real names back then, it helped me with visualization. my writing prof used to make fun of me for it. old bastard. : )

ok, we are on our SECOND cup of coffee. that's a big thing here. because this is very strong coffee. and that is a point against panther. she couldn't take it. she always made me water it down for her. she knew how expensive it was but never seemed to try to get a taste for it. coffee is a big big thing in out family, obviously. like my brothers and i, my neices are already drink a little at 5 and 6 years old. sooooo, blackmark under her name. sigh, though it does get worse. c. doesn't drink coffee t all. that worries me. NEVER trust a person who doesnt drink coffee. ok, maybe not. but it's still weird. you hear about people like that....

back to porn. so i got the story. i don't know if i want to post it. maybe i will. i'd rather run it by my waking mind today. cause is this what i want to do with this site? i want to work thru somethings, not get juvenile. though i can't lie, i am a huge kid. my coworkers are all such...duds. the poem in the last entry sums it up for me. perfectly. c. and i feel the dept is too old and stuck in its ways. i have more in common with the kids. yesterday nina the goth and i talked about burton's new movie corpse bride. so, maybe, we'll see.

maybe i should post it. there is a certain freedom here, isn't there? even if the people i talk about are reading it. it's almost like talking to a third person and they pass it on. same with their reading the postings. i guess i'm kinda slow at this. sorry. hmmm, i could say i wish my pic-girl lived closer than she did. i'd ask her to dinner. i could say she is easily the most thougthful, sensual, and intelligent woman i've met in a long time. and --she doesn't know this-- that panther was jealous of her. she read our emails and angrily demanded to know why i talk to this "other woman." panther took a lot of calming down. she thought she being excluded from something. i explained nothing could happen with a continent between us. but she and i had had experience with distance and email/phone sex and so she wasn't put off easily. but truthfully i never moved beyond playful banter. i really tried to be the good boyfriend. where in the past it might have been what panther feared. i tried so hard at this.

ok, i'm losing my caffeine buzz and horniness. i was just very randy before panther jumped into my head. talk about a buzz kill. time for a shower. the work day awaits. maybe it's time to take both hands off the laptop and put em to better use. we;ll see....