i know i've been an aweful person to people, ok women, in the past but i was turnined it around. i HAD turned it around. i was being loving and kind and...

so why am i jolted awake at 2am to lie here and wonder what panther is doing?

i know her.

we've got a 3-day weekend. she's off visiting college friends. i fear bar hopping and replacing me.

and that hurts. almost as much as her assumption that i would have already replaced her. i couldn't believe her when she off-handedly said that in december. replaced?!? i was going to MARRY you. did she even understand where those feelings come from?? how strong, enduring they are so you can take vows?

sigh

and it's still 3am. i'm alone.

and thinking about how close i came to having it all. to NOT being alone.