i just cant stand this constant early mornings. i dont mind 4.30, i live for early runs, but 1am is too much. so i tried to get back to sleep, i think i did. but i was up again at 3, and decided to call it quits.

i read a bunch of diaries. they were great. i left notes on a few. i hope i didn't come off as an idiot. this is all new to me. and i've never been good with reacing out to people, even in the real world.

so i sat back in bed. waiting for the alarm.

when panther raced into my head, claws out and digging hard. what a lovely metaphor. sigh. i can't believe how i got here. from where we were. i look out at the snow and i think of all the times we've had fun in the snow. making angels, walking in it, boarding, etc. this is beyond me. me. the one she called a controlling, selfish, workaholic perv. the perv part was implied. i don't think i should have been so honest. i believed her when she accepted me for who i am.

now who i am feels dirty and ugly and...

i know this is the wrong way to think, and i know i should be stronger over this. but all my strength is sucked out by my day. just gettin to school and dealing with a 100 needy kids, and parents, and teachers, etc. and then the other troubles of life: taxes, bills, keeping friends, making friends, etc. it's a wonder i can keep it together.

and yes i have thought about ending it. it sometimes flashes thru my head. i could just nudge the steering wheel and crash into the concrete divide or into that truck headon. i'd hurt for a little while, but not like this slow ache.

sigh

but i won't. i'm a logic being but not marcus arielius logical and am religious man but not like my parents. so why not? i guess i'm old enough to know better. the pain gets scabbed over. : ) it never goes away. we carry it with us. always. like a piece of luggage. i got my pain from other parts of my life, and dragging them around makes me remember that i've felt this ways before. so i keep the car in the lane and drive on.

my mother also would know i went to hell and that would hurt her so very much.

argh!

i need a cup of black gold...

....hmmmm, good. so i have two hours this morning to lounge. but not really. it'll take me a while to shovel out my car. i'd rather have a day off than deal with the roads like this but i don't make this decision. i can see a few cars out there on the road. i have these floor to ceiling windows on the side of my loft. in the distance people are going to work. slow, i guess.

alright i'm going to go and get my head screwed on right. or at least distract it. i'll try and pick this up later today. i frankly have no idea what im going to do with the kids today. half day suck for scheduled work. i hae having kids ahead of other classes. sigh. ok, easy day for them. i need to put in progress reports, any way. maybe i can get sometime to work on my teacher-helping website: i need to connect links to my worksheets.

well off for more cofee. thanks for listening those who do. and those who left notes, thanks, it all helps, even if i don't seem to show it.