too much phone sex. yep, same naughty girl from the other night. sigh. i know i have to be careful here. she says she's not looking for anything beyond a good voice on the phone, but i don't want to lead anyone on....especially someone who's made me laugh so much. it'd forgotten how it felt to laugh nearly for an hour. and then get passionately intense. and go back to laughing with silly disregard for the time. but as i said i don't want to get to wrapped up in it. i'm nowhere near where i should be do be with anyone. and i'm not going to make her a rebound girl, even if that's nearly impossible with these distances. i also old enough to know that distance means nothing to people's emotions. and i won't play that any more.

speaking of playing...

i hear from a little bird that panther is signing up for some online dating services. ugh. i did briefly think on that but i rejected it. i don't think that's my speed. nor do i want to join some professionals singles group as my mum wants. so panther's fishing for boys. i don't think i like that. i don't like the thought of being replaced. and now to find out i could be replaced by something as silly as computer match. sigh.

i know i know i shoulld be mature about this (i do have the age for it) and let this all go and move on with my life. but honestly it feels aweful. i don't want her back because i don't trust her. but at the same time i want her back because i trust other people even less. does that even make sense?

she didn't accept me. she played at it. made me think i was ok. not ugly, twisted. i cant believe how great that felt, how --loved it was. and to find myself without it. that it was all a lie.

and to still miss her...lying.

i feel sick even saying it. thinking it. dirty for having no shame. for having no balls. for even writing this about her.

and yet...

and yet i have not called her. i have not emailed her. i have not written her.

doesn't that count for something?

should it mean more than it does?

and where are my friends when i need them most? where is the tender smile? the open arms? the kind word?

i refuse to use anyone to get over this.

..
....