last night i was at blonde's for a few hours. we sat around and watched house and played with her baby til she feel asleep. sleeping babies are cute, aren't they? blonde's hubby was out doing so electrical work, so she was fightin to stay awake to greet him. i thought that was sweet and did my best to keep her awake. but i was falling asleep and need to go to bed. it was a good to be with someone who wanted to hangout with me. i haven't been feeling that from people lately. no return phonecalls or emails or such. maybe i'm an emotional blackhole these days and no one wants THAT around to spoil a good time.

and speaking of spoiling. panther of course came up because blonde asked me about my easter. i was honest. it was hard. especially with mother throwing in my face that last year i spent it with panther's family. it was something that panther asked me to do and i did to the harm of my own family. i did want to get to know hers and so i took the hit. but i didn't need to be remind of it. so easter, as any holiday, was a periodic time of shaking her claws off. it doesn't help that her b-day is two weeks. as my memory is bad, i have online catalogs remind me. and so this weekend i got three reminds to buy her a gift. ARGH. you know it's like we were together so long that everything around me meshs with her. so i delete those reminders. but i have a feeling i didn't get all of them nor those automated ecard senders. i was all into them two years ago and just sent them up and let them go. a friend got one this past summer for her b-day but i didn't remember sending it, so it was automated. sigh. and that she's spending that day with someone else. i know her. by now she's got someone or someones around her. ugh. i am a fool, dear readers. a big stupid fool.

so tommy and i were talking shop this morning and reviewing our favorite two shoes (24 and shield) which we are BIG whores for lately. and her asks me if i'm dating yet. ugh! it threw me off. i just mumbled no. i don't think i can yet. i don't know if i want to. etc. i didn't want him to start setting me up or something. he made a sympathetic face, which i no longer can stand from people, and we went on talk about how much we hate the kids.

readers, i know i need to move on...i just don't know how i will or even if i can...

i am broken. i can feel it.

people have said you know you're over them when you dont think about them or what they are doing with their lives. i still do. they say you'll be fine when you no longer notice how much time has gone by since the breakup. i wake and i know it's 4 month 30 days. they say it takes a year minimum to get through a longterm relationship. i was in for close to a 8 years.

if i stop and think of her, and what she said, and how she acted, i feel ugly, stupid, boorish, etc. i know i shouldn't but i do. and os i shake her off. i pull her claws off my face. i push her away. i try my best to walk away, though i blindly stumble in some directions.

perhaps i'm just tired and it's making me feel vulnerable, weak.

..
....

so it's 2nd period, my prep. i dont really need it today because i'm showing a movie this week and i can use the time to work on grades. i have about 100 autobio to work thru and some are hard to read theyre so honest. : ) and i think i'm broken. sigh. i got kids who are already labelling themselves "sluts" before they even got to 9th grade. ouch. i just want to wrap my arms around them til their fifty.

so more procrastination: i need to finalize plans for my trip, i need to apply to more school districts, i need to do 3rd quarter grades, i need pay my credit card bill, i need to run, i need to go to grocery store, etc.

ugh...too much...i dont' want to do any of it...i just want to go to bed...

worse, my iblog is fucked. so santaslittlehelper hasnt been updated since monday night. i don't know why but the latest version simply crashes everytime i try to start it. this of course sucks because i put a lot of effort into it. over the last few months, i posted a lot of good info and kept track of some good ideas/pics/info/websites. i'd liek to keep doign that. some people i read are moving away from iBlog to wordpress which is free and has good tech supoort. but ti seems more complicated to get up and running than iblog was. if anyoen as suggestions....please i'm running the latest MAC OS X and trying to run iblog 1.4.2. i think the version i was using was 1.3.9.

if anyone can think of a way to improve this diary, please let me know. i'm trying to add things that i like in other people's diaries. such as surveys and pics and such. i could use the positive feedback. : ) also i can't seem to upload a banner i made. i emailed techsupport, but no joy.