Things I Will Do for You

I will pretend to feed your cat,
while you are in Cancun.
I will check to see if there is a vibrator hidden
beneath your pillow and use it, restoring
it to its hiding place unwashed.
I will rummage through the ashtray
in your car to see if there are roaches
and smoke them savagely.
I will lick all the ice cubes in your freezer.
I will go spear fishing in your aquarium.
I will find your phone bill and make obscene calls
to all your long distance friends and family,
letting your name slip between particularly nasty phrases
in case they do not have caller ID.
I will take a bite out of each apple, pear, and cucumber
in your refrigerator and replace them in the bin,
bite mark down.
I will yell lewd words at your Sea Monkeys.
I will rock your bed violently against the wall
and yell, fuck me Bruce. All your neighbors will snicker
when they see you and whisper about you
and some guy named Bruce.
I will purchase crotchless mail order underwear,
embroider your name across the backside and send them
to the most repulsive man in your office.
I will photocopy my buttocks, scan them
onto your computer, and send them out
on the Internet, with your name and E-mail address on them.
For you, my friend, I will do anything.