and so i fall back on my karma...

i have done some bad things to good people. i've used people. i've lied. cheated. stolen. i could blame this all on youth. but that would be unfair to young people. : ) it was only after meeting panther that i changed my life. i saw i could be a better person. i could have things i once ridiculed. be a boyfriend. father. husband. look out for someone else, and not just for yourself.

but i guess you can't have it all. can you? the universe will kick you in the balls. it's got a long long memory.

....
.......

so i shake off the claw marks of my dreams, and head for another day. a day were i have to smile and be pleasant and do my job. i have to deal with people who all know what's happened and pity me in ways i don't ever want to know. then i get to come back to a house empty of panther's things and wait for bedtime. when i get to start this all over again.

i know i sound depressing, and i'm sorry for those who happened to stumble upon this and come away worse for it. i can only promise that i am try little by little to get myself out of this hole. this diary is i hope a first step.

with that hopeful note, i must get out of bed and get another cup of coffee (and more later about my life-long obession with coffee) and start my day, i will probably add another entry later in my work day, this will be the pattern i guess for the future. but this is all so new.

again i want to apologize to anyone who reads the above and feels bad afterwards. i wish i could promise that my entries will get better, but i am going to try.