so i blew off my meeting today. i wonder if anyone noticed. i'll just fake sickness if need be and most people who know me will understand why. i guess that's what i get for letting blonde shout out to the whole faculty that i was engaged. i still run into people who are asking when the wedding is. i should've sent a fuckin email to everyone telling them what happened. it would've saved me a lot fo heartache, every time someone comes up to me. and that's not counting all the friends and relatives. it only now filtering out to the masses. after five years, everyone knows about us. i mean everyone. i don't think there's a sushi bar or bar or diner that hasn't seen us together. small wonder everyday is a kick in the balls.

ladiebug asked me if i had talked to panther lately. i haven't. it's been nearly three weeks since she showed up unannounced and asked to clear out all her stuff. i was going to say no. but i knew she'd jus come back some other time. so i let her in. she asked me on the way out (carrying her box of stuff) if i was ever going to call her again. i said no. what was the point. she didn't want to fiix this. she then turned away. i think crying (i didn't have my glasses on and i was standing as far away as possible). that was the last. god was overjoyed. he said that was the right thing to do. blonde, i guess, she agreed. but she became friends with panther thru me. i think she's on my side. if that's even pssible. and the right way to see it. i honestly can't believe i didn't try to talk her into staying. talk her into reconsidering. or at the very least yell at her for doing this. it just didn't seem worth it. why say anything? she wouldn't listen. the only way it would work is if she came back to me. willing to listen. and i guess that's not was going to happen. no matter how i feel about her.

and i do still feel for her. i want her happy. it's all i've ever wanted since i met her. i guess she'll find it with someone else. of course it hurts, but i can't even stay angry about it. a minute later, i'm remembering a good time together. and i smile it all away. i just wish she'd explain this all to me, instead of just walking away. god says i'm being a dope. she took advantage of me. i can't believe that. it doesn't seem possible.