a coworker's wife who was shocked that panther would be selling gifts given on the internet said i should buy them. freak her out, and all that. i am seriously thinking about it. it's bummed me out since i discovered it. what kind of woman sells this stuff three months afterwards. i've had ex's that i've trashed who still have gifts i gave them. it could be a way for me to get out from under this rock. but it also could be a waste of money. screw her. it just shows what kinda woman she is. that's god talking, i know. but i'm not like that. this hurt. hurt enough to throw me off for the last two weeks.

and off is how i feel. i still can't sleep soundly. but the dreams are getting more frequent. last night i jerked awake in a cold sweat thinking someone had just entered my bedroom. a large shadow that was reaching for me, calling me by name. argh! that scared the crap out of me. so i was up for hours after that. at least it wasn't a panther dream.

sad thing is my insomnia disappeared after we started sleeping together. i could sleep anytime, anywhere. i never could with any other woman. i was always tossing and turning, and leaving early. no it's either can't sleep or sleep with dreams/nightmares.

sigh

on a different note, i was surprised to find an email from c. telling me she was happy i liked her poems. brief, terse even. too bad she didn't feel like saying more. but i guess she doesn't want to lead me on.

blowing off my dept. meeting this afternoon. i'll probably go home and crash. everyone sees my slipping into depression. k. and t. invited me to join thier gym. panther's gym too. but i declined because it's too much money. also the thought of running into her nearly knocks me down with fear. i just have no idea how i will react. but it was nice of them to ask me. i hope their not too worried about me. i'm just being anti-social and need to be that way. i think.

i got an email from docgirl. she's a cousin of blonde (god's wife). we kissed at new year's. i was VERY drunk. somehow we exchanged emails and phone numbers. she's nice. cute. smart. a ski fanatic. but we don't live near each other. i only see her once and a while at blonde's home. she always seems interested... but it feels weird. like taking advantage of blonde's friendship.

ugh