for instance, i am still a bit put off by c's comment last night. i thought as a writer she would understand taking on personailities / personas. i guess not. to make the leap from my writing from a woman's pt of view to my being gay, that says a lot about her. to bad too. she may not be as sensitive as i would've thought. and that makes we skittish about this party. i know i could meet different, new people there. but what kinda people would be there? and do i know reconsider my attraction to her? is it all physical? or do i just give her a chance? maybe it's a friendship there?

speaking of more women: where are they? i haven't heard from docgirl. or yogagirl? or for that matter l.bug? sigh. i know i know i'm just being lonely. these people have lives of their own to live and can't be expected to be there for me. i think it's just --3am and i've in the past had the chance to call panther. i could talk to her about anything. and she could from me too. it was great to have someone who knew everything and could listen. i never had that. never trusted someone to enough to open up. and so i got hooked on it. now i'm feeling the lonely burn. this place is feeling big and an empty. like my bed.

ugh, and i'd be lying if i said i wasn't feeling lonely there too. i haven't had sex in nearly 4 months. jesuschrist. part of me is not even thinking about it. repulsed to let someone near me. and the other half, misses it. making someone feel pleasure. enjoy you. sigh. i don't know which half is winning. don't know if i want any half winning.

i guess i'm feeling old, ugly and stupid. all at the same time is a lot for me. i think usually it's just one. trio tag team is crushing me. maybe that's one reason i'm sitting here at 3 am?

i dont' think i'm going to be going back to bed, so i going to get me some black gold. i got some new madagascar coffee beans. i ground a few last night so i would have to wak anyone this morning, good thinking, me. : ) it's a great tasting coffee. not as acerbic as the kenyan AA. sometimes you need a different bean to bring out the morning. well, at least that's what i think. : ) i love LOVE a good cup of coffee. panther just couldn't drink any of it. she liked bland, supermarket can coffee. ugh! should have been a big clue! an wait c. doesn't even drink coffee!! sigh. is that a clue?

off for coffee...i will pick this up in a little while....i want to update my other websites too,