now, february is the cruelest month. not only do i not get to give any presents to my sweetie, but i get none in return. ugh, even worse i get to imagine who she might be getting presents from. one of my best friend's husband, in a weird act of assistance, tried to explain that she's probably already got a man. and they've been fucking for months. i believe he was going for anger. i remember the horror on my face told him he hadn't quite helped me out that night. much of that night is a blur as i soon took to the bottle. they have entirely too much whiskey in that house.

but i digress...as i have been depressed lately (sleeping is my new physical activity) i've been spared the valentine onslaught of the media. i guess if i run into it on the internet, i am going to find it everywhere else. this is going to be tough week, i know it. i hate to think that jack and i will crowd the couch. i know i know drinking is not the answer but it sure takes the edge of this fiasco.

well, i did finish c's "book" of poems. i made notes on a few, and scanned those i thought gave insight into her behavior. i don't think it'll help with her. but they were nice poems nonetheless. i sent them back to her this morning, and emailed her last night when i finished. i couldn't sleep around 1am (dreams again) and so i took to reading her poems. she hasn't emailed back. and that is how she is. i might get an email or i might not. i think i have to not care. with panther, with c, with anyone in my life, i think not caring is the key.

my friend's husband (we'll call him god as it knows everything) says that's my problem. god said i was too caring. that had i been a bastard to her, she'd still be with me. not calling. sleeping around. etc. of course my friend smacks him in the head when he says that how he got "this fine woman."

yeah, but it makes me think...is that what happened? do i go so far in opposite to be the perfect boyfriend? everything i never was to other women? no cheating. total honesty. caring til it hurt. and isn't that ironic. in trying to be a better man, i lose panther.