i told blonde that panther had emailed me back. she wanted to know if i wanted the gifts back. i emailed that that was not what i wanted. i told her i was simply shocked that she was selling off things i gave her out of love. blonde wants to know what her reply to that is, and so do i.

i wuzzed out on c. this morning. i sent her my poems. i thought maybe i shouldn't have, as she didn't really seem to care. though she did send me hers. so i rationalized it in my hungover state that i had in fact promised. worse not to send anything, i guess. so i put em in folder and sent them over to her building.

now that is that. i will not fall for this. she's just being nice to me. i think i got that. in fact, tolerate is a better word. so let's use that one.

and that's how i feel people are these days. they tolerate me. i've got no numbness. it's four months and i'm still a fresh wound. what panther did still hits me everyday. the way it makes me feel so ugly and stupid. who would want to sit around with a guy like that. even god and blonde are pushed to the limit.