i am angry that she is angry because she has no right to be that way nor to make me feel bad for my shock. i wanted to let her know this, but i hesitate...

why?

because i don't know how to say it. because i have made a bad situation worse. because people tell me to move on.
because i don't want her angry with me.
because i LOVE her still...

i am torn up inside.

blonde says it's like a death in the family. there are steps of grief to go through and i'm still walking those steps. she was counceling me against ask god for something stronger than a whiskey. i'm still searching for my numbness. she says, rightly so, that being numb only prolongs the steps. i will be in more grief for longer if i go that way.

but i hurt and i hurt lots, everyday.

an ex-, we can call her yogagirl, tells me to move on. she says i will never know why she did what she did and i can only deal with myself. she also seemed to think i had something to do with panther's angry email. that i have to look deep at what i have done to make her feel that way. of course i did nothing. but yogagirl is not exactly happy with me. i cheated on her and, though she's married and happy, she still has problems with my behavior. i turn to her because she doesn't pull any punches. though here, i think she's wrong. i'm the victim. i did nothing to provoke this response.

so how to respond to her? i need advice but people are sick of listening to me on this subject. i can't blame them. it's been 4 months. maybe i supposed to feel better. move on. fuck the next woman to come by. curse panther's memory.

but i don't feel....any of this....

..
....

c. sent me a poem yesterday. something new it seems. and she's been reading my poems i sent her. i shrugged. though i did ask if it was new; it sort of reminded of something she'd already written. but she said it was done the day before. which is good, i got thru to her about writing more. even though the poem is really what i like. writing is writing and i shouldn't be a snob.

..
....

it's all just so lonely. i think maybe it's the season. i hate being alone on this holiday. my parents are off on their annual vacation. my friends are with their loved ones. i can't keep turning to the same people for help and love, and yet i feel i screwing up turning to others (c. and docgirl) and also don't feel so energized to search out others.

i dont' want to trust anyone else. see what happened to me the last time? that keeps running over and over thru my heart when someone catches my eye.

i know people hate it when you say you don't feel whole. like they want you to be better and deal better, but i got suck-punched. i was planned on buying a house and have kids here. give me a break. throw me more than useless advice.

i guess i am adrift. few places to cling to during this metaphoric storm. god, you can tell i'm an english teacher. sigh.