so the weight of friday is still on me. i tried hard this weekend to push it out of my mind. i worked on the teacher site, i watched movies, i hangout with blonde, i "flirted" with a former student, i emailed and IM'd, i read people's advice, etc.

to no avail...

in the shower, i just leaned against the wall and just felt crushed. 4 months and 7 days. people say when you don't keep track, you're better. riiiight. i don't keep track, but unbidden it pops into my head. like some flashing sign. some people say (my mother for one) that it takes at least a year to overcome this...at least. she advices that a 7 year romance can't be forgotten easily unless you're a foul person to start with. that's my mom. even if panther did come back, my mother would never treat her the same, and panther knows it. my mother is harder than nails and twice as sharp. she demands i have the same self-respect that she has and bury the girl already. i don't think she realizes that some loves trump self-respect. as sick and twisted as that sounds...

at least i haven't called her. blonde has helped with that. telling me not too. more than once. it's been three months. hellish to be without your best friend. blonde says i would never get help from her anyways.

i just don't seem to be getting better, just worse. i can barely get to work these days. yesterday i didn't even leave the apartment! the phone rang once: my father telling me he and my mother would be out of town for a few days. so don't worry if they're not around. oh, and they were going down to PR for a few days at the end of the month. sigh. is it fair to be jealous of your parents? i couldn't even get the energy to flirt properly with a 20 yr old who was obviously enjoy our conversation: surprised how much we had in common (what a look on her face). i could've/should've gotten her number. but i just barely agreed to go to her art show on the 25th.

it all seems so pointless? why should i let her or anyone close? why reach out, and get slapped down? what's the point in this job? what/who am i going to spend this money on? certainly not me.

i feel like being ed norton's character in fight club and begin going to support groups. at least there i could find people on my level.

i am the universe's bitch! is this my karma? for all the people i've hurt, am i going to be denied? anything? everything?

is panther really all that?, you might ask. no, i guess not. she has her flaws, i know. but she accepted me. or i thought she did. i was honest and open and as close to who i am as i have ever been. and look where that got me?

i wonder if i'm a punchline now with her new boy...or a sad anecdote on a date?

groan

i don't think any of this diary stuff is helping me....